Why do I feel so lonely?

I feel detached.

  • The weird feel about not being able to enjoy what others seem to do.
  • Why does it feel so wrong that others drink, and I don’t?
  • Why can’t I eat without thinking whether it’s healthy or not?
  • If my allergies might react or not?
  • How many calories this might be on top?
  • When being with family, my closests?
  • Why does it feel so wrong to talk about the 700th time that I can’t explain whats wrong?

I absolutely love when I get messages saying “Merry Christmas”. At the same time I feel pressured to deliver. I just wonder why? Why does all of this end in me sitting next to others with headphones on listening to Taylor Swift drawing mandalas and thats the only thing that makes me feel less empty? Why does all of these emotions from pure love, when spending time with Janine, to absolute worthless or nothing bounce back and forth like it’s no big deal.

Why does it feel so wrong to cry? Am I even allowed to? Especially around these days?

I felt extremely weird and unconfident the past days around Christmas. I felt completely not there. There could have been the greatest present on this planet and I couldn’t even realise it as at the end of the day it’s just a thing. And something that doesn’t make me happier or feel less lonely. Why do I feel lonely when being sorrounded with the ones I love the most? Why do I so often feel like I’m not in the circle / a part of that? Why does my brain tell me I’m not good enough?

This feeling is one of those I realized the past days that triggered a lot in the past years. From being all around the globe being surrounded by incredible people to simply being home. It never stops. It just comes and goes whenever it wants.

Sometimes I just wish I could be “normal“. But what is normal?

I don’t know. This is me, honestly – slightly lost.