2020 – rewind
Wow, the past few months went quick. That it’s already 2021 still feels surreal. What a year 2020 has been, huh? To me it’s been a wild one. One that forced me to face depression and everything that comes along with it. But on the other hand I also found my love which I whole heartedly feel connected to. The one I look up to, support and she’s also the one who keeps me going and fighting every single day. It’s weird right? Sometimes it feels like good only comes along with the bad and vice versa. Life is a miracle, haha. But still, even if I don’t understand all this – I’m more than thankful for all the good things in 2020.
Sooo, how’s it going? That’s the most common question I get over and over again. Fair enough 😉 And luckily, I can finally say, it’s getting better. Very slow. Sloooooooow. Like way slower than I want. But I see progress. Very often thanks to Janine as I am way too critical on myself.
All the small little steps towards a better future. For example: I’m able to master daily life. Sounds not like a big deal, but honestly? This is something that truly makes me happy. Because half a year ago I wasn’t able to take care of grocery shopping, washing my clothes, etc. – Now I’m doing all these things on my own.
When it comes to nutrition I am living more healthy than I’ve ever been. I cut pretty much all bad habits last year which means, no alcohol, no nicotine, no coffee. Just the fact that I managed to cut down on all these and keep it that way is simply incredible and helps a lot. I eat meat probably once a week. And I completely got rid of cow’s milk due to allergic reactions. Stoked on those ones as well.
But now to the most important one: I cook twice a day and probably order food only once a week. The best part about it is that I finally get to learn, what my body is able to handle and process best. And of course I know which ingredients are in which helps a lot with all the small allergies / cases of incompatibility. And if I manage to take the time, I actually visit my friend Maxi at Obstgarage who’s opened just a few weeks ago and get myself some healthy swag on top.
Sports – I had some serious problems getting back into moving my body as I didn’t do much for a very long time. And the first thing I started with was a 30 minute hiit workout. Lol? I literally thought this is a good idea. After five minutes I was sweating on the floor barely being able to breathe. Bummer. But again, I am learning, that I need to take smaller steps and not think that I can tie on my last “in form” status from 2019.
So I started with 5-10 mins workouts for a week every second day. After that I finally got an app that works pretty good for me and usually is around 15-30 mins workout inside with bodyweight only. Pretty much the only option due to Corona. I manage to do sports now 3-4 times per week, sometimes it’s going better, sometimes I need to cancel early.
Another progress: My blood tests are finally good again. As you might remember from the Depression and anxiety article they weren’t good for a very long time. But now they are. No one knows why, but hey – I don’t care as long as my body is taking control over again 🔥.
Being open about my struggles with mental health has been probably the best decision I have taken in a very long time. It helps me so much expressing my true self whether it’s on my blog, paintings, music – or any other creative ways. That’s also the reason why I’m sharing more on social media nowadays as I finally learn, that I got a voice and a purpose. And an opinion that I am allowed to share.
I always thought I am not allowed to do all these things as I felt trapped into a bubble which is only about followers, likes and pleasing everyone. But I can’t do that. Theres so many people and voices on this planet that this will never be something to achieve. But I feel like I can help this world to have a better future if I share my stories and insights. And even if it’s just for a few people that are rethinking their opinion.
For the future, I hope to combine pretty much all of my creative interests and crafts that sparkle out of me and focus on documentary filmmaking, especially following artists, musicians / etc., as I truly love following and helping other creatives during their creative process and documenting it.
Medication finally seems to work. At least the changes the past few weeks made a clear difference for me and a I am able to stay up every morning between 08.00 – 08.30 AM. This is quite late, but better than it used to be few months ago where the average was about 10/11am. Crazy to think that I used to wake up between 5-6 am for almost ten years, but this is simply impossible right now.
So why aren’t you back?
Well, the good thing is: I’m able to take care of daily life. The most annoying one for me right now is that I can’t really keep my concentration for longer than an hour. Means, for example this blogpost takes me 2-3 sessions to finalize as I’m not able to focus that long on one topic yet.
My performance and power these days is still far away from where it’s supposed to be. For example: If I do 45 minutes of workout I most likely will need a break for about 2 hours. Thats where I lie down and don’t look at screens / read, etc. – very often I am listening to audiobooks. The same goes for time in front of computer or literally anything where I need to focus a lot.
Therapy is now about to start properly. Before that was mostly inventory of where I’m at and what my problems are. I have checks and psychological therapy on a weekly basis. I hope we will now fix one problem at a time. It’s such a long process to define all the little wires that are created due to trauma, people and experiences. These wires create your personal reality. I’m quite excited to see how I’m able to get out of this jungle.
To say one last thing: It takes time! Simple as that. If I want to accept it or not. But it freaking takes time. It annoys me. It demotivates me sometimes. But I won’t give up. I want to show myself that I’m able to beat this obstacle! 🚀
Much love, stay healthy and take care of your loved ones.
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