The past few months, or lets say years, have been really difficult. And thats the initial reason why I’ve been very quiet lately about what exactly is going on in my life. And since I didn’t use these platforms at all for a very long time I honestly don‘t know where to start. And I’m worried to start as I feel like there will be loads of people judging, criticising and laughing about me.
To give a little explanation. I struggle every now and then. More often than you might think. Massively with depression and anxiety. With slight addictions, doubts, low self worth and rapidly changing mood swings. Ultimately with expectations I got to myself / what I project into others what they might think about me (lol?). It drives me nuts. And I completely loose myself within these thoughts.
The higher the highs (when it comes fe to work achievements) it equally means the lower the lows. It’s been exhausting the past years but I could handle it with certain adjustments to my lifestyle every now and then. It’s a toxic circle. But I accepted the fact that this is sort of part of my life with ups and downs.
I‘ve been able to hide this for a very long time and usually got mentally back into „normal“ once I had to hit the road again. Unfortunately, this year, for every one of us, everything is different. Corona slowed my life down. A ton. And the past years truly started to take its toll on me and my life. Means: I couldn’t stimulate my brain / low self worth feel anymore. This break showed me an entire new side of my mental side I didn’t want to accept. With that I mean I couldn’t hide / stimulate the depressive, sad, exhausted, introverted inner version of myself with nonstop work, nicotine, alc, travels, etc.!
Not that I completely accepted this part of me yet. But that I accepted the fact, that I got a lot of work to do, when it comes down to my true self, actually gives me a bit of motivation. I’m working and struggling hard to find back to old or new routines. To figure out whats good for my development and whats not. What I want, what not. Some actions already taken. A whole lot more to come.
I found two screenshots from earlier this year. These describe it 100% on how I felt at that time:
Hospital & start of my new life
I ended up being in emergency admission due to non stop anxiety and panic attacks and suicidal thoughts in August. They initially kept me in crisis intervention. So I spent there almost three months where I finally got medication and tried to figure out whats going on. Turns out I’m in the middle of a massive depression period and due to blood tests they found on top of that exceptionally high liver function readings. We still don’t know why they were as high but they are getting better. Long story short: After three months in day-hospital my health is slowly getting better and I am learning how to cope with all that. A lot of ups and downs. And there is a long way to go, and a lot to learn.
Yes, this is a part that most people don‘t want to see. Neither do I. But I have to. And I want to. And I want everyone to know that this is a part of me. A bunch of years ago when I experienced the first struggles and found hope – I remember telling myself, that I would stop doing what I do (from a work perspective) immediately if it happens again. And at that point I didn’t really think I would come back to this dark place. But: Here we are again. I might need a lot of time to take care of my mind, heart and soul to figure things out.
Mental issues aren‘t easy. I‘ve felt wrong for a long time and I want to be a (hopefully) good example. Means, I at least want to be as open about it as I can. Show that its worth and okay to seek help. It‘s not easy at all, but worth it.
As many might know, social media has been a big problem for me in the past. And the past few months without it showed me even more how much of an impact it has on my wellbeing. With that I decided that I won’t use any of my socials anymore and only use this platform, my blog, as my diary. As on this platform I don’t see what other people around the globe are doing, I’m much more with myself and truly can share what I want. And thats what I’ll do. My creative stuff. My work. Sometimes travels. My life. All that comes with it being superseppi. I know, this might have a big impact on my future business ventures, but ultimately I think it will help me become a better human thats living much more in the moment and learning instead of worrying.
This entire blogpost has been an overview of whats going on in my life and honestly just roughly scratched the surface. But you gotta start somewhere. And this was mine. My way of expressing myself.
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In case you are struggling right now!
I figured I would at least show what helped me a lot during these past months.
- First of all: communicate. With your family and your closest friends! Get them on board to figure out the next stop!
- Find help / a doctor. Look out for psychiatric hospital and call them. If you are not able, don’t worry and get your family to call them. It’s not a big deal. And don’t be afraid because of the word psychiatric. It’s gonna help. They gonna help. In case you are around Munich, I highly recommend: Klinik für Psychiatrie und Psychotherapie | LMU Klinikum München – Nußbaumstraße 7, 80336 München | 089/4400-55511
- Slow down! You are not alone. Take time for yourself. And if you are just exhausted. Sleep.
- Take it serious! You’re not wrong. You are just sick. This is literally the same as a broken leg. Just that you can’t see it!
If you know someone that is struggling right now. Be there for them. Don’t force anything. Don’t judge. Listen. And try to help. Educate yourself. I can highly recommend the following page:
Stay strong! And feel free to ask any questions in the comment section below. Happy to help at all times. You are enough! Much love and stay healthy.